Sometimes I feel like I am slipping into an abyss....a huge, black hole that I can't get out of called despair. I usually can keep a happy, upbeat attitude about my conditions, and sometimes, I just get so depressed about them. I used to be able to do regular stuff and not have to think about it and now I have to think about every little movement I make and knowing if I make the wrong move, I am going to be in pain......in my back, my elbows, my knees, my foot. Every single time my knee goes out, my husband will say, well I saw you turn your leg this way or that way and you have to be careful, in other words, walk like Frankenstein! Who does that? I have to watch how I bend, how I get up out of the bed, how I hold the blow dryer and brush while doing my hair, my toothbrush even! My elbows are so messed up. I don't know if getting more shots is worth it, they just hurt really bad and then they don't last long so what's the point? On the positive side, how about they will give me some pain free time. Pros and Cons, all of the time! If I go out, I will have a good time but I won't be able to move tomorrow, but if I stay in, I am just becoming a recluse and I don't want that either. I will half kill myself to be with my grand kids and if I can help it at all, they will never know how much pain I am really in! My family looks at me and thinks I'm ok because when they do get to see me, I act fine. I am not fine, I haven't been for a long time and they don't know just how scared I am of not being fine for the rest of my life. I love life, I love living at the coast, having peace and quiet and being able to relax if I need to with no worries or responsibilities but on the other hand, I miss working, I miss dancing, I miss cleaning my house! YES! I said I miss cleaning my house. Oh, I clean it now, just at a slower pace and not as often. It used to be one day a week and I got everything done so I could enjoy the rest of the week without worry. Now, it might be a week, ten days.....when I feel like it and I guess that I never really was OCD or I would still be doing it the same way, guess I just loved cleaning my house. Little things, you miss them or you dread them. I love to cook, but I swear, when I have to stand on my kitchen floor and go back and forth from stove to sink and fridge and cleaning up afterward, I don't love it so much anymore! How ridiculous that I can't even do that without worry? If you are reading this and you are healthy, please thank God for that! I do thank him for my health that is good at this point in my life because a lot of people are dying and are sick and have cancer and I sit here with just a broken down body that is always in pain. It's mind numbing and it messes with you so bad. Some people say I think about it too much, well yeah, it's kind of hard not to when there is nothing else going on. Feeling sorry for myself today I guess, one big ol pity party for this Saturday afternoon. All I wanted was to be able to do a little dusting, work on my puzzle and have a quiet day, my back has other plans. I did do a little work on my jigsaw, but that's about it for me today. Y'all have a wonderful weekend! See you on Monday! James 5:13 - Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms.......
Love to you all,
Cindy
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